I’ve discovered an interesting phenomenon about myself lately. I don’t have much of an appetite when I’m by myself. 12 o’clock comes around and there’s a slight rumbling in my stomach. For a moment I consider the options in my fridge for lunch: leftover rice, ham sandwich, or chicken cordon bleu that is way too old. As suddenly as it came my appetite leaves and I gladly dismiss it. I busy myself with doing my hair, cleaning my room, and the internet. Somehow I convince my stomach to just wait until dinner when I can eat with people around me… the girls at work, my latest dating interest, or occasionally my sister.
I know it’s unhealthy but it’s something that stems from something deeper inside. The real problem isn’t the lack of options in my cupboard and fridge, it’s the idea of having to fix a small meal for myself and eat it alone.
I wasn’t like this back in college. I would pride myself on taking the time to fix something good to eat, look forward to weekly shopping trips to Broulims, and spend way to much money on my weekly grocery bill. Nor did I ever crave company as child. I always shied away from it.
What about being a 24 year old college grad and RM has changed me? Was it really just the 18 months of never being alone to eat or taking time to fix a decent meal? Or is it the state of emotional confusion that I find myself in at least half of the time I’m awake everyday?
Who have I become in the three months since I’ve been home? Why have I let myself become defined by my status and picture on face book or the number of times I get asked out in a week? What is that keeps me so wrapped up in my emotions and the confusion of my heart? And how do those emotions seep from my heart to quiet the appetite of my stomach? Perhaps it is enough for now to recognize that I'll have to try eating more than fruit snacks even when I'm not hungry.
Aww. Don't you ever eat for energy or I don't know....cause it tastes good? I find that I don't eat usually the first week of school, or after a break up, or when I have nothing in my cupboard. So maybe my week is like a three month period for you. Or maybe...you just don't like eating alone.
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