Chastening

A song called Savior Redeemer of My Soul changed my life a few years ago on this day.

A few years later, I still find the words coming into my head at least once a week. Today I'm particularly moved by the 3rd verse:
O'er rule mine acts to serve thine ends.
Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
Chasten my soul til I shall be in perfect harmony with thee.
Make me worthy of thy love, And fit me for the life above.
-Orson F. Whitney

I have felt the Lord's chastening in my life in the last few weeks, and it has been such a blessing. I do desire to be worthy of His love, and welcome opportunities to recognize weaknesses, even it when hurts. For the first time in my life, I have begun to recognize the many opportunities that have been or could have been lost because of my pride. For one who struggled (at times still struggles) with self-confidence, it feels at first almost paradoxical to find the symptoms of pride in my heart.

I find this quote from Patricia Holland very helpful to recognize why the boundaries between self confidence and pride can seem so fuzzy: “Satan uses that very delicate line between self-confidence and pride to blind us. He can keep us so frenzied in our efforts to protect our self-esteem that we are blinded to the one quality that would assure it--true dependence upon the Lord.”

How grateful I am that the Lord teaches even us unconsciously prideful people. He has again and again carefully led me from distracting dreams and selfish timetables, to the places and experiences that were best for me. He has tutored and taught me. He has allowed enough disappointment and pain to teach me trust in His will and His timing. Sister Holland describes it as “[The Lord using] my pain as his megaphone for an otherwise dull ear.” He had allowed heartache, disappointment, or sorrow to become refining tools, revealing just a bit more of the potential buried far beneath layers of selfishness and weakness.