reflections on 81%

The other day I got a low B on a hard test in my aphasia class. Let me tell you, it was a miracle I didn’t get a C. (If we get below a B on some tests we have to retake them, and then still have to try to pull off a 3.0 even though the first test score still counts.) So, I should have been happy with a B. (Especially considering how many fill-in-the-blank questions I missed. I HATE those types of questions because sometimes I just blank on the word.) But it was really hard to be happy about it because ¾ of the class got A’s and my score was definitely the lowest. 

So this is my life every week in grad school. Somehow getting a B on the tests, but never an A, and always feeling the pressure and stress of weekly tests. I’ve never really dealt with this before. In undergrad, you could get a 70 on one bad test and make up with it with a solid A on the next one. In undergrad I wasn’t barely making it or wondering what really would happen if I couldn't pull off a 3.0. 

With all the constant pressure of grades and tests, and I've realized how completely unimportant it all is… whether I get an A or a B or whether I missed one question or five. The important thing is just that I make it through... that I accomplish my purpose and that I begin a meaningful career that will change my life and others' lives in deep, profound ways. Sometimes I doubt my abilities and the reality of that goal, but mostly I just keep hoping it's possible. 

And when I forget about that larger picture, sometimes I’m reminded of why I’m becoming a speech therapist and what got me this far. Today I was reminded by a beautiful blog post from a mother whose daughter died age six. The little girl named Ava had Aicardi syndrome and was missing her entire corpus callosum (look I’m learning something… I know that’s a major part of your brain). Other posts talk about her therapists and her life, but I was especially touched by reading how much this little girl meant to the lives of her family. 

This amazing mother wrote of her grief after her daughter suddenly died:

I will live every day of the rest of my life waiting to leave this earth and be with her again.  I will live but for every second some of my heart will be missing.  I will wonder all the days of my life what it will feel like when our souls hug.  Will it feel as warm as it did the first moments after she was born?  Will it be as warm as it was a few days ago when she nuzzled her little face into my neck?  Will she finally be able to tell me what she’s thinking and what she feels?  Will we be able to walk together hand in hand to the feet of our Father and thank him for creating a mommy/daughter team between us? And for making it last as long as it did?

I had similar thoughts about what it must be like for those who live all mortality with a disability and then have perfect abilities in the life. I often wondered what the little girl I used to nanny, Ali, (who had severe disabilities) would be like after escaping the handicap of mortality. I’m grateful for all the experiences I’ve had taking care of children with disabilities. At the same time I've felt my fair share of failure during different special education work experiences I've had with special education. I still have my fears that I won’t measure up as a SLP, but I also know that the scrutiny I’m about to undergo for the next 4 semesters clinic is going to make me stronger and more capable.

I’m more than a bit worried about how I’m ever going to pay back the tuition that’s quickly adding up for all this education. It’s made me stop to think about whether I’m willing to work for a comparatively low salary as a speech therapist for children with disabilities (versus medical speech therapy settings involving mostly adults with solely speech disorders). But today I’ve realized where my heart lies and I have faith that following it… through grad school exams,  and mountains of school loans, and the constant battle of my fears… will ultimately be more than worth it.

Fall favorites

In between a few breakdowns after not doing so well on some tests, relationships transitions, friendship drama (i.e. feeling like I'm back in middle school somedays trying to be friends with girls in my cohort), and waiting for that phone call about Grandpa (He's close to passing on. I don't blame him for being ready to move on to a much better place... more about that another day), I've had few really fun moments the last week as well.

My friend Kevin and I picked the perfect warm autumn day for a mountain bike ride along the bonneville shoreline trail behind the U. We found a gorgeous canyon.

Fall bike ride ♥

Riding down this road was even more fun than admiring the view from the top

This weekend Shawn came down from Idaho to spend some time with me, and I was more than happy to have a good excuse to close my laptop for a few days and spend some time just having fun. I discovered that I've lost my pumpkin carving tools, tights, and thermals. I'm seriously sad about this. I had a really sweet collection of carving stuff and how am I supposed to get through the winter without tights and thermals? Still, for only having one measly carving tool, we did pretty good. Actually, Shawn's a carving pro and didn't know it. As for me....Don't count the legs on my spider. It won't come out to 8. But I didn't point that out to you. I predict more pumpkins masterpieces to come before October is over.

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Camping at the Spruces

Good times were had with great friends and yummy campfire food in Big Cottonwood Canyon. The leaves were amazing. We saw deer and 4 moose, plus the crazy squirrel who kept raiding our campsite and stealing all the marshmallows. Dang squirrels.

Morgan Valley Half Marathon

My dad snapped this pic just as I was finishing the marathon. I actually felt pretty good at this point. I didn't have any moment that were too hard during the race, but about the evening after the race and the next morning I sure felt those last 3 miles... 3 miles farther than I had ever run.

 I liked the cool medal we got. as we finished. I finished with a time of 2:05. 14th in my age group. For my first (and only?) half marathon I was pretty happy with my time.

This is Bryant and I. He won the marathon with a time only 40 minutes more than mine. Double the length but a much faster pace. It was fun to know someone else that was running. It was also nice to have my brother along for the first few miles and my parents there to cheer us on. All in all, definitely a good goal to meet and a great race experience.

Breckenridge, Colorado

Day two of Colorado started out with perfect weather and water for Kayaking!

So my kayaking skills leave something to be desired, but I kept up with my group okay.

I love the way the clouds reflected in the glass-like water.

After kayaking, I rented a bike and took the shuttle up to the top of Vail pass. The bike path was amazing, and it was a nice ride, especially because it was all down hill.

The bike path was so scenic. I just kept thinking "how had I not discovered Colorado mountains before this?!?" I will definitely be back and maybe one day (when I don't have to run a half marathon a few days later), I will be brave enough to try the uphill parts of this beautiful trail as well.

This is the look of a girl who is thoroughly enjoying herself. Though next time I come to Colorado, I plan on doing so with some good company, I'm happy that I decided to take myself on vacation. It was the perfect two-day adventure.

Ouray, Colorado

I had a few days off work and decided a vacation was in order. Needing something within a day's drive, I decided on Colorado. Turns out that was the perfect decision. I found one my most favorite locations: a small mountain town called Ouray.

I got in late last night when it was too dark to see anything but the vague outline of the mountains. When I woke up this morning I was not disappointed. This is where I stayed, at a little motel by the river.

This place is called the Switzerland of America for good reason. The small little town nestled in between the towering peaks is unlike anywhere else I've ever been, and I've seen my fair share of mountains. This view was near one of two falls that are within a short drive and short walk from town. The first one is called Canon Falls and the amount of water rushing down these smooth rock walls is incredible (though you can't tell from this picture).

Cascade falls is much taller than the picture tells as well.

After a quick run where I could really feel the elevation gain, I spent a hour or so in the sun and hot springs in town. So relaxing. Best view by far that I've ever had at swimming pool.

Spent the rest of the afternoon driving while trying to enjoy the incredible views from 11,000 feet high in Colorado's pine covered mountains.

They call this the million dollar highway for good reason. How they ever managed to build a road here, I cannot tell you.

Day one of Colorado mountain adventures: nearly perfect. Can't wait for tomorrow.

Every grain becomes a memory of the past

I cried a bit while listening to this song in the car this evening. There is a baby boy who is not mine, but who will forever have a small bit of my heart, and this song hit home as I have recently had to let go of his small hand and let someone else become his nanny.

I have been so loved by him and his family. I'm overwhelmed by the goodness of the people the Lord puts into my life. And feel so blessed. So many beautiful pieces of grain in my hourglass thus far.

Can't wait to be able to love a baby of my very own forever. But can't imagine replacing these years of preparation with anything else.